Hotline

Based on a shockingly true call I made to a suicide hotline.

Well, that was the THIRD call, actually: the first time, I couldn’t understand the dude I was talking to and the second time, the lady seemed really uninterested and eventually stopped listening; didn’t include those two calls since I needed instant gratification.

Thankfully, I’m still here despite being kinda shuffled to the side during a time like that, but the above is the general summary of what I fear the most when I try to reach out to people for help; I usually seem like I’m joking around about my frustrations, but I’m actually always thinking about it… it’s just that I can’t be real about it since people might find it unpleasant to deal with someone like me.

ANYWAY, I thought that telling the story like this would be easier for me to do; I can’t seem to get out what I really want to say unless it’s in the context of a comic strip; this seems like the best way to convey to people how miserable I feel most of the time.

So like… I haven’t been in the best shape for a while; over the last few days, I’ve been switching between anger and depression and it’s kinda worn me pretty thin; people aren’t built to jump around emotionally like that; I haven’t been able to sleep or study, and this is a problem (I have an upcoming midterm in a hard class [World Econ History], so I really need to clear my mind and get all this off of my chest… I want people to acknowledge the fact that I’m actually really angry at everything, myself included).

In fact, you could say that I’ve been this frustrated for years… the only difference between now and then was that I locked out people for 5 years (prior to joining the anime club) given that I was scared that I’d get burned just like in my comic/experience thing (which features Elsa from Gunslinger Girl, by the way… made sense to do it like this since: a. the material is more pleasant when it involves cute girls b. Elsa found herself in a situation like this in the show… here’s a hint: she offs herself).

There’s a lot of issues… one of them being my career-path in life and how my parents are seemingly in control of it (I actually REALLY hate Economics… or, more of… I’ve learned to hate it); I’m trapped given that, at this point in time, it’s not conducive to their health for me to rebel; my mom recently got over cancer (and she’s always complaining about how I should avoid giving her stress given that it’ll make her cancer come back) and my dad is almost 80 years old (he expect me to become a lawyer before he dies… which might not happen given the glaring reality of my current GPA)… how can I possibly choose my happiness when it might actually kill someone? I feel guilty for thinking of myself, you know? So I just sit back and obey and take it, yet I’m fully expecting to become a disappointment, which in turn loosens my resolve to pursue the path they’ve opened up for me (which they themselves never had… my mom and dad got to high places, despite having a lot of odds stacked against them; how I can I measure up to that? It’s impossible).

ANYWAY… I thought that it’d get better if I got out and met people, but the irony is that I find myself alienated from people, even when they share the same hobbies as I do; I usually feel like I’m not a part of the club and I hate myself for not being able to fit in.

In fact, I’m just really tired from all the self-loathing I’ve been doing over the last few years; I wanna learn how to like myself again, somehow, and I wanna learn to not feel guilty about living (this is like a vicious cycle for me… I’m better off than a lot of people, but I complain about all these things… and because I complain about it, I feel guilty) and I wanna stop engaging in self-destructive behavior in general; I don’t like demeaning myself, but I keep doing it by acknowledging the notion that I’m less than human.

I’m considering going to some kind of group anger management thing (which I still need to find out about… there has to be one somewhere) given that it’s becoming obvious that I can’t save myself; in fact, I’ve always been wishing that someone would come and save me, but as time goes by, it’s becoming obvious that that’s something that isn’t going to happen. On the other hand, maybe the reason why it’s played out like that is because I don’t deserve to be saved from my misery, I don’t know.

So yeah… there’s probably a ton of other things I wanted to say, but I can’t remember anymore, so I’ll end here; don’t worry… I’ll get out there and find help, for sure... it might take a while, but I’d like to think that I could still eventually feel better... but for now, I just REALLY wanted to share this story.

Thanks for listening.